The Va-J-J Monoblog

2008-09-29T03:23:00.000-07:00

how does one find a voice and use it
not to speak it but to create art in the written form
only the best don't pour a bit of themselves into the recipe
to create a character and write in their voice
not my narrow-minded own
no but to become another and tell their story
how can one ever decide whom to embody
so many fauxs in a universe of prose

2008-09-28T19:17:00.001-07:00

there's a child-like innocence that I see in you
honesty that's been filtered and strained
with no filter
leaving the purest of honest with sediment left behind
and I see an old soul
the shaman who connects with the disconnect
and accepts for what is not
in a poetic manner that hurts
and mostly because it doesn't hurt

well that's what happens when we talk
turns out a screen need not keep us safe
boldly we address the past
and it turns out
neither of us have the courage to be

we swallow a laugh and cry to we have the courage to see
with no definitive answer as to whether that is actually courage
does the coward mediate?
or stick to the safe side

we wade in our safe sides
you and I
knee deep in mediocrity

something more- it's out there
will we find it?
I don't know
can we walk those miles to reach that one place
the place things seemed so clear?

or are we ignoring the fact that it's accessible from our back door
where it may be
is it the mountain tops and vast plains
or the courage to be?

You can’t lose something you never had
But can we gain it?
Why I think so.
The courage to be is rooted in you and me.

2008-07-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

Life's a cycle they say
maybe it's the truth
but i hope it isn't
it only seems fair
that life be linear
Life's not fair they say

I want to be on the straight
and narrow
I want to walk past yesterday
and towards tomorrow
I do not want to revisit
yesterday

But oh!
to reinact the events of yesterday
does not take away today
today is a new day
where you can find a new way
to get through what feels like yesterday

Yet another forgotten poem

2008-06-21T19:24:00.001-07:00

In tepid pools I sip
A magical myth
Of musty books
Velveteen Voltaire

Oh poignant Pucelle
Challenge my change
Three pennies saved
And rainy days

Enlightened Monarch
Trust me true
Coffee-stained pages
An empty laugh

Lusty Locke
And humble Hobbes
Sit silently
Lost in lonely shadow

In tepid pools I sip
Drinking up your wit

Curious, an essay from some years ago

2008-06-21T19:08:00.000-07:00

This was an essay I wrote at least 4 or 5 years ago, and don't recall writing a single word of it. However, I came across it and found it somewhat interesting to read given our current situation. Yes, it is obvious I wrote this when I was much younger...but question my stance as you compare it to our current day problems; I'd love to hear your opinions

President Roosevelt’s New Deal was the beginning of a much stronger role by the Federal government in the economic well being of the country. F.D.R. received heavy opposition towards the New Deal; many felt it “endangered the American system of a free-enterprise.” However, programs such as the FDIC, AAA, CCC, and the Social Security Act played a huge role in pulling the country out of the depression. The measures taken, shaped our government today, and will continue to throughout history.
The New Deal was essentially a shot in the dark for F.D.R., but the over all outcome was a success. Without an immediate call for action, such as the New Deal, the depression would have reached an inconceivable point, and lasted much longer. Many of the programs introduced contributed to the success of the New Deal. One of the initial and essential actions enforced, was the FDIC. This reestablished American faith in banks, and quickly deposits exceeded withdrawals. Not only was money in circulation once again, but American’s were placing trust in the hands of the government. F.D.R. also created many work projects for American’s, resulting in job experience, independence, increased self-esteem, and a physical and psychological boost. Among these programs were the CWA, CCC, PWA, and TVA.
The measures taken by the Federal Government during the depression were labeled as “socialistic” and thought to be unjust and wasteful. In comparison to the familiar capitalistic government, and president Hoover’s “Prosperity is just around the corner” philosophy, it is understandable why such opposition might come about. However, it was clear, that a “do as you wish” approach meant tremendous suffering for an undefined period of time. It was absolutely necessary, and justifiable for the Federal government to play such a strong role in helping the country during the depression.
As the Federal government stepped in, it was unclear whether the many acts and programs introduced were beneficial of harmful to the economy. Programs such as the FDIC, AAA, CCC, and the Social Security tax all proved to be helpful, with exception of possibly the AAA later on after being proved unconstitutional. Without programs like the FDIC, faith would have never been restored in banks, which played a large role in recirculating money throughout the nation. The AAA was an exception only because it was eventually declared unconstitutional. Although the Social Security Act originally did not cover farm and domestic workers (that was later reformed), it helped millions of Americans feel more secure; and during a time like that, it was a priceless form of relief.
The depression resulted in a Federal government that intervened in a desperate time of need. To this day, our society is still one in which the government plays a large role in everyday affairs. There is a distinct difference though between times of need, and everyday affairs. It will be a very thin line between playing a role in daily choices to prevent desperate situations, and overstepping government power.
History proves there will never be a simple solution to government interaction and the perfect degree of it. F.D.R.’s New Deal was the beginning of a much stronger role by the Federal government in the economic well being of the country. Regardless of whether we need the government to play that role still today, or in the future; it was exactly what our Nation needed to be pulled from the depths of depression.

In a Summer Past

2008-06-21T18:59:00.000-07:00

Connect to the moment this felt so very perfect-

Loving you is a like a song I replay Every three minutes and thirty seconds of every day And every chorus was written for us to recite
Every beautiful melody of devotion every night This potion might, this ocean might carry me
In a wave of emotion to ask you to marry me And every word, every second, and every third Expresses the happiness more clearly than ever heard
And when I play ‘em, every chord is a poem Telling the Lord how grateful I am because I know him The harmonies possess a sensation similar to your caress
If you asking then I'm telling you it's yes (Yes, yes)Stand in love, take my hand and love God bless

When did I write this?

2008-06-21T18:56:00.001-07:00

champagne frost on a window sill
building heavy with the weight
of fond memories

blackbird lost against a night sky
amongst the pitch of absence
ignorantly soaring

grandmother's fragile hands
the sweetest raspberries
sure and trembling

summer hail pounding hard
trapped in a shelter
mostly alone

still lake of untouched waters
poetry etched in liquid
by a solitary duck

the blackbird lost against a night sky
still soars as if it is free
how foolish and naïve
the blackbird is

2008-06-21T18:53:00.000-07:00

Caged in like a circus animal
My mind and body roar
Scratching, fighting, bleeding
To be let free

Free of this disease
This paradoxical nature
In which one hates another
To please the other

Do you remember the time?

2008-06-21T18:52:00.000-07:00

Her hair in pigtails
Red ribbons tied
Gently bending down
To smell a dandelion

My Little Corner

2008-06-21T18:50:00.000-07:00

The flowers are picked
Pressed by now
You sit unfinished
Like a painting

The bristles grow moldy
You’ve lost the gift
That last one touch
Of a masterpiece

2008-06-03T21:13:00.000-07:00

Words of Wisdom from Jewel

2008-05-29T19:01:00.000-07:00

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all ok
And not to worry because worry is wasteful
and useless in times like these
I will not be made useless
I won't be idled with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
for light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
but it didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
but i knew it wasn't ever after
We will fight, not out of spite
for someone must stand up for what's right
cause where there's a man who has no voice
there ours shall go singing
In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray
My hands are small, I know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken
My hands are small, i know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken
We are never broken
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
God's hands
We are God's hands
God's hands
We are God's hands

2008-05-29T18:55:00.001-07:00

i am so little
so insignificant
in comparison

i am so large
so powerful
in reality

i am part of all
and part of nothing
in this moment

2008-05-29T18:54:00.002-07:00

the workings of the mind
responsible for thought and reason
shut down in overload

too much memory
and not enough available space
save you some trouble

to access thought and reason
belief and truth
the megabytes they fail

left with a blank computer
keyboards to rework the mind
maybe this time around will be different

2008-05-29T18:54:00.001-07:00

the creek bed is dry now
cracked and crumbling
in a path once led

you dip your toes
into tough and arid soil
it wasn't like it used to be

you follow the washed out path
the earth firm beneath your feet
it's a new journey you decide

2008-05-29T18:53:00.000-07:00

i met you in some far off planet
filled with unnowns and whatiffs
these beasts, they scared me
so you took my hand and led

here, you say
this planet offers us a new direction
a future that earth left behind
and i followed

i met you in some far off land
filled with sandtraps and minefields
these obstacles, they scared me
so you took my heart and led

here, you say
this land offers us opportunity
a chance we missed the first time
and i followed

you met me here in this little town
filled with skeletons and memories
these shadows, they scared you
so i took your soul and led

here, I say
we are here now
in this land of futures and unknowns
opportunity and chance
and we walked on

2008-05-28T20:11:00.000-07:00

I cannot write. I feel blank. I recently heard a poet say they often go back to the first line of poems they started but could not finish...and work from there. God, how many first lines I've written, left to dangle upon a single line, doodle, or cocktail napkin. An attempt to build from that could be interesting. Mainly because these first lines came from so long ago.
Okay, lets take a poem from 6th grade titled "The pain of the point"
My first line being:
"They say only time heals"
well I'd like to say it merely conceals
for decades later, the wound feels fresh
unless you take that daring step
to change things for once
to bandage your wound
stitch the open sore
and believe you are capable
of moving on
you are
so capable
time only heals
if you choose to let it do so
but why go ahead and do it yourself
a conscience decision to heal
to become whole once again
by no means easy
and by all means possible

you can allow yourself to bleed
to wait for Father Time to take away
the pain and sorrow you wallow in
or you can so NO I will not wait
to once again become whole

the choice is yours.
they say only time heals
I say only the mind believes it will heal
and by doing so, you become whole...
once again

2008-05-23T19:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I slipped and fell in the worst of ways, but then I looked below and came across a poem I had written not long ago. Today is a new day, and I only have more respect for the 6:00 a.m. sunlight with each and every day.

New Day

2008-05-09T03:58:00.000-07:00

today the 6 a.m. sunlight woke me up
i turned my head and closed my eyes
but i felt it wrong to betray a sunrise

and so the light reached me
warming, waking, shining
i suppose it was the perfect timing

i had planned on sleeping
but i put my feet on the floor
and asked you for more

and so you complied
awaking me each day
showing me there's a different way

oh you say today is today
another chance to try
to dance to love to fly

and now i thank the 6 a.m sunlight
for you have set me free
in this moment of recovery

Day Two Haiku

2008-04-18T19:10:00.001-07:00

Strength is coming now
I remember how to breathe
But I'm scared to death

Day One Haiku

2008-04-17T22:02:00.000-07:00

I remind myself
I am here because of me
This is what I need

2008-04-17T21:57:00.000-07:00

i want to feel full
and be full
and be okay
i want to be full of life
of beauty
of potential
of possibilities
i want to feel full
and be full
and be okay
i want to feed my soul
and dance in my body
and love it all the while
i want to fill myself with unconditional love
and leave it at that.

2008-04-07T20:15:00.000-07:00

the power of words; written of spoken...hold no meaning.
i want to feel the power of humankind, i want to feel the desire to love and be loved in return.

I want to ride my bare feet into pristine clay, feeling the rush;
permeating though the soles of my feet; my toes, covering me in earth. Oh Blessed, how I need you now more than ever.
I am forgetting the magical transition from heels to flats. To be as God made me; imperfect and beautiful.

I want to find my spiritually through gazing in the darkness of dark, flicking each star as if they might fall, they do, but i live them unconditionally regardless.

I want to know somewhere, somehow, this Being resides. I beg upon you, please help me with this ambiguity. I need you now, as I have always needed needed you. But now more than ever, I want to know you. I want to believe in you without having to change my morals and values.

my words.my still words. but if you are there please show me the ways in my life that you manifest yourself. I know that defies faith, but please let there a Being far greater than human kind.

Things that make me Happy

2008-04-02T13:12:00.000-07:00

sunshine
yoga
cooking
making lists
getting sleep
laughing
asparagus
getting my favorite parking spot
wild flowers growing in our yard
winston and bella
jepoardy
fast-fowarding through commercials
feel-good movies
lavender chocolates
good wine
getting paid to do homework
actually doing my homework
cuddling with aaron
pen-pals
using the perfect pen for th day
daily planners
being in love
highlighters
writing poetry
music for the moment
quiet time
sora
sleeping naked
cheese cheese cheese
pleasant surprises
grocery shopping
warm sheets
watching kitties play
baaaabies
giving and receiving good advice
picnics
strong coffee
wikipedia
people making a difference
student publications
the scent of Light Blue
letting go of the past
listening to aaron sing and play guitar
soft blankets
humor
routines
kissing
aquafor
sweaters
being barefoot
clear nights
when my flowers don't die

perfectly people portioned pills

2008-03-31T21:00:00.000-07:00

i poison myself with you
every night
believing you are my solution
and problem
i swallow you whole
in hopes you can make
a better person out of me
problem is
i don't know if you are
my problem or solution
you dance your tangos
in my throat, sliding
deep into my stomach
where i like to feel you
but do you reach my head?
if so
do you speak to my head
in the language i'd prefer?

the early hours of the mourning

2008-03-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

sometimes around 3:00 a.m.
i wonder what i'm doing here
i should be asleep
next to your body
lost to me now
but i lay awake
looking at the spackle on the ceiling
with all its imperfections
twisted circles of different size
no pattern, so reason
and i wonder what i'm doing here

broken beautiful dancer

2008-03-30T21:50:00.000-07:00

my little ballerina
oh how pretty she dances
and twirls
while wishing she were in a different world
oh but how pretty she is
her stomach empty
her pirouettes perfect
her body aligned
with their desires
so pretty
my ballerina is

Kate Nash's 'Skeleton' with a twist of my Wellness

2008-03-21T23:48:00.001-07:00

Skeleton You've been my friend
But you are made of bone
Well I'd like to give you some flesh and blood
So for once, I can call you my own

Skeleton we have been friends for years
And you have seen me through some trials
And tribulations and some tears
But everybody thinks I'm weird
And I should have known
That it wouldn't be long
Until you, you've got me standing in an awkward position
With unwanted attention and a need for explanation

It's not that I'm letting go of you
but right now, you've got no body
I'd like to clothe you
In unconditional love
When we were young
It was easy
But now I'm twenty
And maybe we can be friends
If you take on a life of your own
Including the will to live

But Skeleton, you are my friend
And I could never bring your life to an end
Yes Skeleton you are, you are my friend
And I will be there for you until the end
And even though, when I take you out
You've got me, you've got me standing in an awkward position
With unwanted attention and a need for explanation
I could, I could never let you go

No instead, I think I'll let you grow
Into the flesh my soul deserves
That is all I know
That is all I know
I am more than just a friend
Of a skeleton with no body
I am a body with a skeleton
Who needs my nurishment desperately
That is all I know
Oh yes,
That is all I know

2008-02-15T13:40:00.001-08:00

Skeleton you are my friend
But you are made of bone
And you have got no flesh and blood
Running through you to help protect the bone

Skeleton we have been friends for years
And you have seen me through some trials
And tribulations and some tears
But everybody thinks I'm weird
And I should have known
That it wouldn't be long
Until you, you've got me standing in an awkward position
With unwanted attention and a need for explanation
And it's not that I'm letting go of you
But I don't know what to do
Skeleton we are so close
But you have got no body
So why do you insist on wearing clothes
Skeleton when we were young
It was easy
Even though the other kids
They would tease me
But I was only seven I had you
But now I'm twenty-two
And now it's different, when I take you out
And you, you've got me standing in an awkward position
[Skeleton Song lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

With unwanted attention and a need for explanation
And it's not that I'm letting go of you
But I don't know what to do
'Cause sometimes at night,
I dream of the most terrible things
I take a hammer and I creep out of bed
And I raise it high
And I smash your head
Fibular and tubular
And ribs and cages, too
In fact, while I'm here
I'll smash the whole of you

Smaaaaaaaaaaash !
But Skeleton, you are my friend
And I could never bring your life to an end
Yes Skeleton you are, you are my friend
And I will be there for you until the end
And even though, when I take you out
You've got me, you've got me standing in an awkward position
With unwanted attention and a need for explanation
I could, I could never let you go
And that is all I know
And that is all I know
And that is all I, that is all I know
And that is all I know, know

-Kate Nash

2008-02-12T09:28:00.000-08:00

ifalldownbecauseidontknowhowtostandandifididimightnotanywaybecauseyourpraiseandtheircertificatesdontfulfillthevoidyouhavecreatedwhichisreallyonlyavoidihavecreated.
thereisanemptinessthatresonatesintheworstofwaysandifiknewhowimighttrytofixitbutreallynothingcantakeawaytheholeinthebottomleftsideofmystomachthatachesnonstop
iwishsomeoneknewwhatiwastalkingaboutbutsomethingtellsmeyoujustcantbecauseitsaholeicutmyself

i need a change up in monday-sunday

2008-01-30T08:39:00.000-08:00

i crave culture and i am seriously lacking. 45 minutes away there is a town with plenty of it, but it's hard for me to make that commute by myself and no one else seems to be interested in anything interesting. it's killing me. i want someone who will take me to a new ethnic hole-in-the-wall restaurant that i've never even heard of. and order something just because they've never tried it before. i want someone who will take me to the theatre and indulge in my daydreams about traveling the world...without bring up the fact we have no money.

Mr. Man and almost any Woman

2008-01-28T21:28:00.000-08:00

i think he is secretly unsatisfied is some way...and i just wish i knew why. when i do know why, i try my best to fix it...but i always end up messing it up and not doing it the way he wants. it makes me feel unwanted. it makes me feel undesirable. is it a burden to be around me?

i wish he would just be open with me and tell me what he's really thinking. but i'm pretty sure if i knew what he's really thinking, i would regret ever inquiring.

what is it
my personality?
you feel there is no longer a connection?
the baggage I carry? is it too much?
the sex?
lost attraction?
my negative habits?
do you need more space?

please tell me. things feel different.

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older?

2008-01-27T21:04:00.000-08:00

472 tomorrows from now
he just can't wait
no time to ask how
in his idealistic state
he asks wouldn't it be nice
though he knows it would
he's only got one vice
and that's his belief it should
with a promise and a ring
806 tomorrows seem so far
he won't write but he can sing
a voice only heard by his car

wouldn't it be nice
i believe it would
and it's hardly a vice
as i think it should
you've got your tomorrows
and the patience needed
i've got my sorrows
more than once i've pleaded
take your voice and use it
give your talent a chance
slice me a piece of your wit
position me in your stance
tomorrow write me letter
look me in the eye
when you say it will get better
lighten my heavy sigh

she asks wouldn't it be nice?

poetry, or something

2007-12-23T22:57:00.000-08:00

Smile like Trust
Listen Blind
Explore God
Know Peace
Dance Always
Wear Joy
Eat Pie
Drink Coffee
Miss Blue Eyes
Breathe Deep

Remember Freedom as a Prisoner does
Let Desire Flow
Give into Poetry
The Procelain Face
Broken, Shallow
Women
Fill Yourself
of Smoke and Champagne
not to fill a void
to celebrate
the word you posess
that screams and squirms
to linger on the tip of your tongue
it throbs
it devours
and that magic that occurs
when all is broken
the question
the present
the prisoner;
you are free

Weirdest Fucking Shit (excuse my language)

2007-12-23T17:52:00.000-08:00

HOE-K SO,

yesterday i randomly met this women. i'm not sure what exactly she does, but i know it is some sort of nontraditional psychobabble, and that she does not have a degree in any of these fields in which she talked to me about.

I will try to sum this up, but really you had to be there...
So this women i have never met touches me and begins crying because she says i have such a powerful soul and she can feel the pain i am in. she started telling me stuff about who i am, my family, what i should do with my life...and she keeps referring to Micheal. as in "Micheal is telling me..."
So here i am, thinking, what the fuck. who is this lady and why is she telling me this...
Then she starts talking about how the angels are with us...the archangel Micheal.

So now, i am scared shitless because i think i am trapped in a small area with someone who is either fanatically religious, schizophrenic, or just a freak. it was likely a combination.

Then she tells me social work and psychology are the entirely wrong paths for me to follow. i am a "sensitive soul" who cannot sit day after day listening to the pain of others, "making money off of their misery." (sadly there was a little truth in that one)

Instead! I am to marry someone with a lot of money and write novels from my house, and be the most amazing mother.

Oh and Micheal told her the angel that was with me the day i was born is archangel Raphael. So whenever I am in pain, I just need to call out to Raphael.

I can't say Raphael was my favorite ninja turtle, but hey, cowabunga dude.

On A Different note...

2007-12-21T19:42:00.000-08:00

We are what we think
all that we are arises with our thoughts
with our thoughts we make the world
speak or act with an impure mind
and trouble will follow you
as the wheel follows the ox that draws the cart

we are what we think
all that we are arises with out thoughts.
with our thoughts we make the world.
speak or act with a pure mind
and happiness will follow you
as your shadow, unshakable
how can a troubled mind
understand the way

Your worst enemy cannot harm you
as much as your own thoughts, unguarded

But once mastered,
no one can help you as much,
not ever your father or your mother.

(a bit of Tao wisdom)...i should probably take note of this.

caution: vent

2007-12-21T13:48:00.000-08:00

my dad was supposed to be out of the hospital four days ago. i've never seen him so sick.
i have no issue with having to be the one to get everything finished; the cooking, the christmas shopping, the taking and picking up from school, the running back between denver and boulder.
i spent last night in the hospital with my dad, i'm the two of combined got no more than 2 hours of sleep. apparently this is impossible for anyone who hasn't directly experienced it to understand, but these everyday tasks feel impossible.
part of why i am so upset is because i had been doing so much better, and my god, what a relief it was. but here i am again, melodramatic and overreacting.
but FUCK seriously, no one has any idea what this feels like. i'm going to scream if one more person tells me the following:
you're overreacting
you're being selfish
it'll be okay
everything's alright
this is only temporary
we all feel like this right now

dont fucking yell at me for "overreacting" when you of all people should know why this is so hard for me right now.

A Few of My Favorite Things

2007-12-13T20:32:00.000-08:00

i'm so blessed to have beautiful people in my life. i've been down so low, but it's different this time. i have a sunflower; my favorite flower, the one which lights my heart. Her petals wilt, and it takes everything i have not to lift them up...where they belong. And then she blooms- a blossom no one can deny. It's funny how a flower can bring such warmth into my life. She understands, and I feel safe.

Then there is the clay; so solid and strong. In my hands he takes to me, he loves me. He takes shape to my formless mold and creates something so beautiful. Suddenly i no longer feel weak. In clay i am reminded of the possibilities; the fluidity of our lives. There are no errors in clay, only the most beautiful of flaws.

why?

2007-12-11T10:09:00.000-08:00

will there ever be a day when this isn't an issue?

it used to be that i didn't know how to ask for help when i really wanted it.
now i know how to ask for help but i don't really want it.

i've spent the past few days completely detached from everything around me.
my mind and body are miles apart.

i'm punishing myself, but i don't know why.

Eddie

2007-12-10T14:25:00.000-08:00

I've stripped my bed of it's sheets
burned all of the pictures
quarantined any clothing
contaminated by your memory

I've ripped the mirrors off the wall
locked all the closet doors
swept beneath the bed
just in case i'd find you there

I've sterilized the air
which you once breathed
dusted and mopped
the earth you touched

I thought I saw you
hiding behind the corner
but when i looked
you weren't there

Still, I feel your breath
on the back of my neck
my veins turn cold
with your shallow lies

Don't Worry

2007-12-10T13:45:00.000-08:00

dear they say:
dear,
it's happened before
it'll happen again
you shouldn't act so surprised.

here they say:
here,
kindly swallow this
and eat that
you'll be better in no time.

honey they say:
honey,
now, now
it's not that bad
it could always be worse.

no i say:
no,
you really don't understand

please i say:
please,
just go away

it's happened before, it's not that bad, i'll feel better in no time, it could always be worse.

hear me i say:
please

Requiem for November

2007-12-05T19:03:00.000-08:00

still the window faces east
the ice forms and drips to please
your peach pie sits half eaten
the tree has long lost it's leaves

you set out for the day
only to reach a rusty door knob
the boots sit saturated
while the sun mocks you in contempt

the house seems strangely empty
a quarter covered in light
the pines are bowing
letting the weight fall from their limbs

by now the ice could have never been
had you not felt the core melt
dripping from your hand the day before
only to be lost in a puddle below

Hush Says You

2007-12-05T06:44:00.000-08:00

it's funny how you come and go but never leave
pirouetting your way up my sleeve
and even if i were to push you off
your words would leave me soft
tip-toeing around my feet
there is the silentist of beat
sometimes it makes me want to scream
and other times it lulls me into dream
if you strike the cord just right
i find myself awake all night
and if you hit the wrong key
you'd be best to forget about me
i'd like to say you're not mine
i'd like to say without you i'm fine

Slammin'

2007-11-15T09:37:00.000-08:00

One day I would like to preform at a poetry slam...if I could ever find the guts. I think this would be the poem I'd read:

After the good ones are gone
The bad have moved on
And I am left with no one but me
My thoughts, they take me back
to a night with you
smothering and choking
and now
Your name brings hate
Disgust
Fuck you
And everything you represent

Really I don’t know why
I am so angry.
You are nothing
And my thoughts linger
To him
Panic and fear and
A novel of what-ifs
And oh no’s
But this isn’t the way it is
No, these aren’t the thoughts I have
And these random acts of hopelessness
I want no more
And still, I am left
With no one but me

The long and winding roads
Have made me insane
The same thing over and over again
And the results never change
But I am not ready for this
I was never ready for this
Who could ever be ready for this
Lost in neverland
I don’t want to grow up
I don’t want to be in charge
And that’s probably why I stayed
With him for too long
It didn’t even matter what I said!
Never a decision placed on me
The weight of having an opinion
And it’s so heavy
Too heavy right now
I am not prepared to have an opinion
Like this.

Never was it fair, for anyone
But especially not him
And now I am scarred with your
Bite
Everyday Love looks at it
Sees it
Really sees a part of me
Cut open and exposed
And my skeletons they dance
Around
Lately I’ve been thinking
You should probably go back to her
Back to her before she hurt you

I just don’t think I have the grace
The special type it takes
Clearly she must know
She’s made a mistake

And I can feel the heaviness of the air
When your thoughts return to her
A mirror that just wont cast
A perfect reflection
Dressed in the wrong skin
The wrong sin
Just happened to walk in
At in opportune time and place
But I can’t be enough
And I want to be enough
I can’t play the role made for
The character you had in mind
Because let’s be honest
I am not her.

Tuesdays

2007-11-13T11:03:00.000-08:00

Why does it feel so difficult to maintain normalcy? My motivation is escaping, and it feels like it takes everything I've got right now to just get up and do what I need to for the day. I enjoy my classes and teachers and everything I am involved in, but sometimes it feels like pulling teeth just to make it through the day. I've been feeling off lately, and I'm not sure I can really describe it. There's this discomfort in my chest, and sometimes it floats to my eyes and falls as tears, while other times it sinks into my stomach; where it stays like a lead weight. I have no reason to feel this way, and the number of things I have in my life to be thankful for outweigh any other possible issue. So why can't I make this feeling go away? Am I selfish?

Come, Come With Me

2007-11-12T15:00:00.000-08:00

So, today in my Women in Religion class we had to write hymns according to a piece of music Mel gave us. We were asked to follow several guidelines. This was the information I was given:
4.4.7.4.4.6
/ U U /
/ U U /
/ U / U / U/
/ U U /
U / U / U /
Now for a Jew who knows nothing about rhythm and beat, being asked to write a hymn was a somewhat daunting task. Not to mention this looked like Chinese to me. But alas, I produced a magnificent work of art.

Come, come with me
Let us find God
Where the mountain meets the sky
Show, show me light
Let us find peace
For we will persevere

HOTDAMN.
So, maybe hymnal writing is not my calling.

Present/Infant

2007-11-12T12:43:00.000-08:00

by: ani difranco

lately i've been glaring into mirrors picking myself apart
you'd think at my age i'd of thought
of something better to do
than making security into a full-time job
making security into art
and i fear my life will be over
and i will have never lived it better
always glaring into mirrors
mad i don't look better

but now here is this tiny baby
and they say she looks just like me
and she is smiling at me
with that present infant glee
and yes i will defend to the ends of the earth
her perfect right to be here

so i'm beginning to see some problems
with the on going work of my mind
and i've got myself a new mantra
it says: "don't forget to have a good time"
don't let the sellers of stuff in power enough
to rob you of your grace
love is all over the place

there's nothing wrong with your face
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face

lately i've been glaring into mirrors
picking myself apart

thanks alyssa:) important lyrics for everyone.