Slammin'

One day I would like to preform at a poetry slam...if I could ever find the guts. I think this would be the poem I'd read:

After the good ones are gone
The bad have moved on
And I am left with no one but me
My thoughts, they take me back
to a night with you
smothering and choking
and now
Your name brings hate
Disgust
Fuck you
And everything you represent

Really I don’t know why
I am so angry.
You are nothing
And my thoughts linger
To him
Panic and fear and
A novel of what-ifs
And oh no’s
But this isn’t the way it is
No, these aren’t the thoughts I have
And these random acts of hopelessness
I want no more
And still, I am left
With no one but me

The long and winding roads
Have made me insane
The same thing over and over again
And the results never change
But I am not ready for this
I was never ready for this
Who could ever be ready for this
Lost in neverland
I don’t want to grow up
I don’t want to be in charge
And that’s probably why I stayed
With him for too long
It didn’t even matter what I said!
Never a decision placed on me
The weight of having an opinion
And it’s so heavy
Too heavy right now
I am not prepared to have an opinion
Like this.

Never was it fair, for anyone
But especially not him
And now I am scarred with your
Bite
Everyday Love looks at it
Sees it
Really sees a part of me
Cut open and exposed
And my skeletons they dance
Around
Lately I’ve been thinking
You should probably go back to her
Back to her before she hurt you

I just don’t think I have the grace
The special type it takes
Clearly she must know
She’s made a mistake

And I can feel the heaviness of the air
When your thoughts return to her
A mirror that just wont cast
A perfect reflection
Dressed in the wrong skin
The wrong sin
Just happened to walk in
At in opportune time and place
But I can’t be enough
And I want to be enough
I can’t play the role made for
The character you had in mind
Because let’s be honest
I am not her.

Tuesdays

Why does it feel so difficult to maintain normalcy? My motivation is escaping, and it feels like it takes everything I've got right now to just get up and do what I need to for the day. I enjoy my classes and teachers and everything I am involved in, but sometimes it feels like pulling teeth just to make it through the day. I've been feeling off lately, and I'm not sure I can really describe it. There's this discomfort in my chest, and sometimes it floats to my eyes and falls as tears, while other times it sinks into my stomach; where it stays like a lead weight. I have no reason to feel this way, and the number of things I have in my life to be thankful for outweigh any other possible issue. So why can't I make this feeling go away? Am I selfish?

Come, Come With Me

So, today in my Women in Religion class we had to write hymns according to a piece of music Mel gave us. We were asked to follow several guidelines. This was the information I was given:
4.4.7.4.4.6
/ U U /
/ U U /
/ U / U / U/
/ U U /
U / U / U /
Now for a Jew who knows nothing about rhythm and beat, being asked to write a hymn was a somewhat daunting task. Not to mention this looked like Chinese to me. But alas, I produced a magnificent work of art.

Come, come with me
Let us find God
Where the mountain meets the sky
Show, show me light
Let us find peace
For we will persevere

HOTDAMN.
So, maybe hymnal writing is not my calling.

Present/Infant

by: ani difranco

lately i've been glaring into mirrors picking myself apart
you'd think at my age i'd of thought
of something better to do
than making security into a full-time job
making security into art
and i fear my life will be over
and i will have never lived it better
always glaring into mirrors
mad i don't look better

but now here is this tiny baby
and they say she looks just like me
and she is smiling at me
with that present infant glee
and yes i will defend to the ends of the earth
her perfect right to be here

so i'm beginning to see some problems
with the on going work of my mind
and i've got myself a new mantra
it says: "don't forget to have a good time"
don't let the sellers of stuff in power enough
to rob you of your grace
love is all over the place

there's nothing wrong with your face
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face

lately i've been glaring into mirrors
picking myself apart

thanks alyssa:) important lyrics for everyone.